Topic: Disorder in the American Courts (Read 5711 times)

Jazzz · « **on:** 04. October 2007, 13:07:43 (01:07 PM) »

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Nympha · « **Reply #1 on:** 04. October 2007, 13:41:57 (01:41 PM) »

Brilliant.

Zorette · « **Reply #2 on:** 04. October 2007, 14:02:12 (02:02 PM) »

Haha those are great mate

Felicitous · « **Reply #3 on:** 04. October 2007, 14:06:04 (02:06 PM) »

Priceless

Meganna · « **Reply #4 on:** 04. October 2007, 16:05:01 (04:05 PM) »

rofl
that was dead funny

Leetle · « **Reply #5 on:** 04. October 2007, 20:15:28 (08:15 PM) »

<--- on the floor

Finmakin · « **Reply #6 on:** 04. October 2007, 23:51:28 (11:51 PM) »

Hey Jazzz.. did you happen to be a doctor..?

Just kidding.

This was great, i laughed my ..... off

Eharonna · « **Reply #7 on:** 12. January 2009, 11:58:19 (11:58 AM) »

Some more from the same book:
__________

The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”
__________

Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
Witness: “I only have one, you know.”
__________

Accused, Defending His Own Case: “Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
__________

Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
Witness: “July 15th.”
Lawyer: “What year?”
Witness: “Every year.”
__________

Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
Witness: “Er…his face.”
_________

Lawyer: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
Witness: “Yes, sir.”
Lawyer: “What did she say?”
Witness: “‘What disco am I at?’”
__________

Lawyer: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
__________

Lawyer: “What happened then?”
Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’”
Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”
Witness: “No.”
__________

Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”
Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”
__________

Lawyer: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
__________

Lawyer: “So you were gone until you returned?”
__________

Lawyer: “Were you alone or by yourself?”
__________

Lawyer: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
Witness: “I went to Europe, sir.”
Lawyer: “And you took your new wife?”
__________

Lawyer: “Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”
__________

Lawyer: “How many times have you committed suicide?”
Witness: “Four times.”
__________

Lawyer: “Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”
__________

Lawyer: “You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”
__________

Lawyer: “You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
__________

Lawyer: “Have you lived in this town all your life?”
Witness: “Not yet.”
__________

Lawyer: “What is your brother-in-law’s name?”
Witness: “Borofkin.”
Lawyer: “What’s his first name?”
Witness: “I can’t remember.”
Lawyer: “He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”
Witness: “No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) “Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”
__________

Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?”
Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?”
Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?”
Witness: “No.”
__________

Lawyer: “How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?”
Witness: “Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.”
__________

Lawyer: “Were you acquainted with the deceased?”
Witness: “Yes sir.”
Lawyer: “Before or after he died?”
__________

Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”
Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”
Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”
Witness: “Attached to the ears.”
__________

Lawyer: “When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?”
Other Lawyer: “Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.”
__________

Lawyer: “What is your relationship with the plaintiff?”
Witness: “She is my daughter.”
Lawyer: “Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?”
__________

Lawyer: “Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?”
__________

Lawyer: “And what did he do then?”
Witness: “He came home, and next morning he was dead.”
Lawyer: “So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”
__________

Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”
Witness: “I could see his head.”
Lawyer: “And where was his head?”
Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”
__________

Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”
Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”
__________

Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”
Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”
__________

Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”
Witness: “The victim lived.”

Sevio · « **Reply #8 on:** 12. January 2009, 19:38:03 (07:38 PM) »

Brilliant indeed! Many of these made me laugh out loud, thanks.

Author Topic: Disorder in the American Courts (Read 5711 times)

Jazzz

Disorder in the American Courts

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Zorette

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Finmakin

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Eharonna

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Sevio

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